One of my clients was recently talking about her routine. She starts her day by waking up and listening to motivational podcasts while she gets ready. She does her hair and makeup, picks out her clothes, and drinks her coffee. Then, she spends some time coaching herself, on her business, on something that might feel scary, and on her personal life.
She’s an amazing client. She applies all the work we do together. She’s inquisitive and super smart. But almost a year since she launched, she still doesn’t have the business she wants.
I have another client who works from home. She spends her mornings catching up with her emails and 10k+ followers on IG and FB. She plans out her content. Scheduled posts. Even schedules housework in between lunch and dinner before her kids come home from school.
But she also has less than desired sales in her business.
How can these two seemingly “on-it” women still be struggling to make their dream business happen?
We’re literally thinking all day long, around 60,000 thoughts a day. But where do they come from and why are they so important to understand?
When boiled down, thoughts are language-based structures used to categorize everything in life.
Thoughts are the blueprint for understanding your experiences. Thoughts tell you what to believe. They tell you how to act. Thoughts remind you to consider what’s important.
Thoughts can also be the single most destructive part of your life if you don’t fully understand how to leverage them.
How Are Thoughts Formed?
When you were learning how to talk, you associated certain words with items or tasks. Through repetition, you built an understanding of the world around you. Some of these associations were presented to you by others and some come from your own hodge-podge of personal experiences.
As you built a deeper understanding of language, thoughts became the way you communicated with yourself. Thoughts went from being a way to...
So many people struggle to find what I call “mental balance”. It’s the balance between enough thoughtfulness to feel prepared but not too much that you feel paralyzed.
We struggle with this mostly when we need to make decisions. Important ones. When our dignity and self-preservation are on the line. But honestly, how often is that?
Unless you’re a spider tamer, (PS: spiders are gross, get a new job) you’re probably not putting yourself in harm’s way on a daily basis. So why do we overthink things to the point of despair?
But, not to fret.
1. Notice your thoughts.
Maybe you’re up for a promotion so you obsess over doing everything PERFECT.
Maybe you really want a callback, but you keep replaying all the awkward first-date moments.
Maybe you lie awake at...
We've all experienced conflict. Maybe it was a miscommunication. Maybe it was malicious. Most often it was by mistake. So how can you handle criticism without freaking out and making it worse?
1). Know your triggers.
When someone crosses your boundaries, it can rile up your emotions causing you to feel out of control, hurt, or defensive. In simple terms, learn to acknowledge the feelings associated with when your boundaries are being crossed.
If you’re not clear with where your boundaries are, it can be difficult to control your response at that moment. Feelings like flushing, tightness, hot temperature, stomach-turning, are indications of where your boundaries are.
2). Process instead of act.
It’s important in these moments to remind yourself that your thoughts about their behavior are creating your discomfort, not their behavior. We know this to be true because everyone reacts differently to the same stimulation based on how they think.
Being aware of what...
Loving your body is no easy feat, especially when your feed is inundated with NYFW's obsession with svelte, clear complexioned models. Although some brands like Chromat have made efforts to embrace the topic of inclusivity, being in a marginalized body, specifically a fat one, is still taboo in this age.
With over half of Americans a size 14 or above, you would think brands would be pawing at the opportunity to make clothing that sells to the majority. Yet the idea of inclusivity for all still seems like a pipedream for me and my fellow plus-sizers.
For instance, take a look at one my idols, Katie Sturino, founder of Megababe and who’s spearheading the #makemysize movement.
This week, she attended an unnamed athleisure wear company’s event where they invited her to participate in an intense workout class but didn’t make her size in their clothing.
Not only was the class high-intensity (clearly not inclusive to those who have mobility issues) they offered that...
I was watching Ballers last week with my husband, Rob. He likes it because of The Rock. I like it because of its satirical misogyny.
We’re only on the 3rd season but there was this one scene, where they’re stuck in traffic and had to decide whether or not to try to make it to the “big meeting” when Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson goes into his inspirational monologue based on his character’s dad.
He says, explaining the moment his dad meets his boss for the first time in 30 years, “My dad realized at that moment that he could have been that guy behind that desk. But he realized it too late. We’re all just a bunch of guys Joe. Some of us believe that we can do anything. Some of us believe we can’t. So when you ask me why I want to do this, my answer is because I know what kind of guy I want to be.”
What I found most delightful wasn’t The Rock’s “swoll pontificating” (although I do have a...
Do you ever experience repetitive thoughts? Anxiety producing obsession over worst-case scenario? A deep need to be proactive and prepared for anything?
Rumination is the primordial blend of primitive self-preservation, negativity bias, and mental efficiency.
I like to call it the Soylent Green our minds because it’s the constant recycling of spoiled emotional waste. Each cycle becoming more and more rotten and perverse.
What I find most nefarious about rumination is it being the gateway to creating our beliefs.
Beliefs are created when you think something over and over again.
This is a hard pill to swallow for some, especially my “logical” friends.
They want to tell me they don’t choose their thoughts.
They can’t “control” how they think or feel about something. Their thoughts are just “who they are”.
They want to argue with me.
They want to “prove” me wrong.
It creates a lot of resistance in their body. I see...
I’ve struggled a lot with perfectionism. Not what other people would find “perfect”. It’s a deep programmed expectation of “doing well”. And so many of us have it.
We start saying to ourselves how we “should” do things. I “should” work on this project all day. I “should” clean my house. I “should” make better choices. Should’s create a lot of drama in the mind because you’re experiencing cognitive dissonance. The desire to do something you “shouldn’t” do, instead of the thing you “should”.
Personally, I like to live my life more intuitively. I’ve always been averse to scheduling, especially my downtime.
So, basically, this month got away from me. I didn’t schedule things like I felt I “should”. In turn, I experienced a lot of things I wouldn’t have (like my trip to PR or the Iron Maiden show this past weekend).
I wanted to tell you about something that happened to me a few days ago....
It was 90 degrees in NYC. I was wearing that outfit above (cute bralette top and high waisted pants) on my way to an outdoor movie event hosted by my husband, Rob. As I walked into the venue, a man yelled out a comment about my outfit and started laughing with his friends.
This comment came just a few days after an appointment with my psychiatrist, where I told her I’ve gained about 15lbs since switching up my medications. (Not ideal, but I feel pretty awesome).
Her eyes widened as if I had told her I had been admitted for some serious cardiac event. She rattled off all the potential health problems I would have if I did not lose this weight. It was like a real-time Web MD search frantically screaming, “YOU’RE DYING OF FAT HEART CANCER!”
Now, before you say “She’s a doctor. She should know if something is concerning…”, I have a clean bill of health. My blood...
My friend Michelle and I went to San Juan, Puerto Rico for the weekend.
Both our husbands were indisposed so instead of staying home and watching Cults and Extreme Belief all weekend (which, don’t get me wrong, has its place!), we decided to take a girl’s trip.
To our delight, June 23rd is Noche de San Juan. It was AMAZING!
There’s something so empowering when you spend time with people who get you.
There’s no awkwardness you can’t handle. You make up INSANE inside-jokes that have the next table side-eyeing you in confusion and annoyance.
You feel less...alone.
This trip helped me realize two things:
At a young age, we start to pay into relationships with people who don’t fully accept us, just to feel accepted. It creates a lot of confusion around our identity.
Besides pretending to...